Sunday, 22 May 2016

Becoming a stranger to a friend...

Why do I feel so lonely…?

I have come to realise and understand that some of the people I have chosen to spend time with, are neither good to me nor for me; which is a very sad place to find yourself.

I guess I have seen the signs for quite a while, there would be no point in denying this, but it doesn’t make it any easier or any less painful to deal with, just because I have partially prepared for it.  It’s true the saying, about nothing being worse than feeling lonely in a crowded room full of people you know.  I have been feeling that more and more just lately.

I am not sure if it is down to alienation or my stepping away, whether it’s feeling pushed or that I have grown.  Maybe it’s a bubbling pot full of all these things, and it’s just waiting to overheat and spill over the sides, something needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.  It’s a fact that I have people in my life who are fine with me on a one to one, but get them with a few likeminded  friends, and suddenly I become almost a stranger.  To the extent that when in company some don’t even say, ‘hello’ let alone ‘goodbye’, and somehow I am supposed to be okay with this, okay with all this two-faced, shallow minded bullshit!  I am too old for all of this, I may have the face of a thirty-something woman, but my mind and maturity are so much more advanced.  And the more I witness this type of behaviour, the more I want to be apart from it.  The more bad mouthing and doubting that I hear, the more I question what is really motivating their change of attitude, and what it is they are seeking to gain by their actions.

Hypocrisy is such a delicious word.  However, unbeknown to them, even now they still rely on my very good nature to say nothing.  I have integrity, I know what the word means.  What good is trust and honesty, if you do not have integrity?  They are meaningless.

But it has struck me, that whenever I have been in their company, I always walk away feeling so low and negative, almost wishing I hadn’t bothered to make the effort to be with them.

And that’s not good…  No one should ever feel that way when they are surrounded by friends(?)

Friends are supposed to lift you up, not drag you down.  Friends show support when you need a boost, not suck the joy out of you because they’re not interested or have no time for anything you do.  Sadly time and again, I end up not ‘feeling the love’, but feeling empty instead as if some ‘thing’ has been permanently lost.  I guess the real questions I keep asking myself are, “What am I fighting for?” and “Is it worth it?”  The answers to these questions, are only other questions, “Am I fighting to save a relationship? and if so, “Who put it in jeopardy?” and finally, “Why I am the one fighting?”

Is saving something from doom always a good thing, because surely I will never feel the same about that person again.  If they were that intent on losing my friendship or making me question my place with them, then they are not people I want in my life, and they are definitely not people I want to spend my time with.

And so, I believe the answer is no, it is not worth fighting for, not any more.  If they want to be part of my life the door is open, if they don’t the door is still open.

I had thought that it was worth it, but I have since learnt otherwise, so therefore no more, I am done.  Sx